SR-71 Humor

SR-71 Humor In his book "Sled Driver" SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed."90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout. There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause..... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

BlackBird Info

The engine is a Masterpiece. At mach 3.2, 75% of the thrust comes from the inlet. (The nose spike moves aft 26 inches.) Air pressure in front of the compressor increases from 0.5 psi to 14.5 psi over a distance of 5 feet, while internal airflow slows from Mach 3.2 to Mach 0.8 so the compressor blades can handle it without stalling. Bypass tubes divert extra air around the engine directly to the afterburner and cause it to perform like a ram jet. Airspeed is not the limiting factor. At mach 3.2 a primary instrument is compressor inlet temperature. If it exceeds 427 degrees Centigrade, the compressor blades disintegrate. The pilot monitors the CIT and lets the airspeed take care of itself. At mach 3.2, the titanium skin heats considerably. The fuselage stretches six inches. The fuselage is six fuel tanks. They leak all the time on the ground, but at altitude they heat up and expand, sealing the joints. After some fuel is consumed, the fuel still cools the bottom of the tanks, but is no longer in contact with the top. Therefore the top of the fuselage stretches more than the bottom, causing it to actually bend down somewhat at each end. When the USSR shot down our U-2 in 1960, Kelly Johnson immediately realized we needed something higher and faster that no enemy could reach, so the Skunk Works went back to the drawing board. The first flight was 22 months later. Try that today. We lost three out of 50 due to accidents. (One broke up after colliding with the drone it had just launched.) No enemy was ever able to touch it. Sec of Def Robert McNamara ordered all the SR-71 manufacturing tools be destroyed so he would have more tax dollars to waste on the F-111. In 1994 William Jefferson Clinton used line item veto to cancel all funding for all SR-71's. They are now in Museums. The pilots said that we really need that airplane today for reconnaissance over places like Iran, Iraq, Syria, Korea, China, Russia, etc. If it were not for Clinton, The SR-71 would still be performing that reconnaissance today. The argument that satellites can do the job is not correct. Any school boy with a lap top can tell you when a satellite will be overhead, so the bad guys simply shut things down, and later restart them. On the other hand, the enemy never knows where or when the SR-71 will suddenly appear out of nowhere. At 80,000 feet the cameras can see 80 miles. From 20 miles off the coast, the airplane can photograph objects 60 miles inland. The requirement for a rock solid gyro stabilized camera platform was paramount. My favorite analogy was this: Nail a four foot square sheet of plywood to the bottom of the airplane. Drill a quarter inch hole through the middle of it. Insert a quarter inch dowel that is 16 MILES long. Drag the dowel across the surface of the earth at 30 miles per MINUTE. Program the camera to take one photo per second of a specified set of coordinates for four minutes, in order to examine the spot from all angles. Do this in such a way that all photos are crystal clear, with no blurring. Pilots, who are not trained as photo interpreters, say they can read the photos easily. One pilot looked at an Infrared photo of a USAF base and immediately recognized the shadow (heat signature) of a spot where a B-52 had been parked one hour earlier. Celestial navigation is automatic. There are about 50 stars programmed into the computer. These stars can be observed ! by the navigation system while parked on the ramp during broad dayligh t. Although the pilot takes off and lands the airplane manually, the navigation system is accurate enough to put the airplane on the runway in zero-zero conditions after flying nonstop from California to Iraq and return with four inflight refuelings.

Pilot's notes on SR71

In April 1986, following an attack on American soldiers in a Berlin >> disco, President Reagan ordered the bombing of Muammar Qaddafi's >> terrorist >> camps in Libya . My duty was to fly over Libya and take photos recording >> the damage our F-111's had inflicted. Qaddafi had established a 'line of >> death,' a territorial marking across the Gulf of Sidra , swearing to >> shoot >> down any intruder that crossed the boundary. On the morning of April 15, >> I >> rocketed past the line at 2,125 mph. >> >> I was piloting the SR-71 spy plane, the world's fastest jet, >> accompanied by Maj Walter Watson, the aircraft's reconnaissance systems >> officer (RSO). We had crossed into Libya and were approaching our final >> turn over the bleak desert landscape when Walter informed me that he was >> receiving missile launch signals. I quickly increased our speed, >> calculating the time it would take for the weapons-most likely SA-2 and >> SA-4 surface-to-air missiles capable of Mach 5 - to reach our altitude. I >> estimated that we could beat the rocket-powered missiles to the turn and >> stayed our course, betting our lives on the plane's performance. >> >> >> After several agonizingly long seconds, we made the turn and >> blasted >> toward the Mediterranean . 'You might want to pull it back,' Walter >> suggested. It was then that I noticed I still had the throttles full >> forward. The plane was flying a mile every 1.6 seconds, well above our >> Mach 3.2 limit. It was the fastest we would ever fly. I pulled the >> throttles to idle just south of Sicily , but we still overran the >> refueling tanker awaiting us over Gibraltar >> >> >> Scores of significant aircraft have been produced in the 100 years >> of flight, following the achievements of the Wright brothers, which we >> celebrate in December. Aircraft such as the Boeing 707, the F-86 Sabre >> Jet, and the P-51 Mustang are among the important machines that have >> flown >> our skies. But the SR-71, also known as the Blackbird, stands alone as a >> significant contributor to Cold War victory and as the fastest plane >> ever-and only 93 Air Force pilots ever steered the 'sled,' as we called >> our aircraft. >> >> >> As inconceivable as it may sound, I once discarded the plane. >> Literally. My first encounter with the SR-71 came when I was 10 years old >> in the form of molded black plastic in a Revell kit. Cementing together >> the long fuselage parts proved tricky, and my finished product looked >> less >> than menacing. Glue,oozing from the seams, discolored the black plastic. >> It seemed ungainly alongside the fighter planes in my collection, and I >> threw it away. >> >> Twenty-nine years later, I stood awe-struck in a Beale Air Force >> Base hangar, staring at the very real SR-71 before me. I had applied to >> fly the world's fastest jet and was receiving my first walk-around of our >> nation's most prestigious aircraft. In my previous 13 years as an Air >> Force fighter pilot, I had never seen an aircraft with such presence. At >> 107 feet long, it appeared big, but far from ungainly. >> >> >> Ironically, the plane was dripping, much like the misshapen model >> had assembled in my youth. Fuel was seeping through the joints, raining >> down on the hangar floor. At Mach 3, the plane would expand several >> inches >> because of the severe temperature, which could heat the leading edge of >> the wing to 1,100 degrees. To prevent cracking, expansion joints had been >> built into the plane. Sealant resembling rubber glue covered the seams, >> but when the plane was subsonic, fuel would leak through the joints. >> >> The SR-71 was the brainchild of Kelly Johnson, the famed Lockheed >> designer who created the P-38, the F-104 Starfighter, and the U-2. After >> the Soviets shot down Gary Powers' U-2 in 1960, Johnson began to develop >> an aircraft that would fly three miles higher and five times faster than >> the spy plane-and still be capable of photographing your license plate. >> However, flying at 2,000 mph would create intense heat on the aircraft's >> skin. Lockheed engineers used a titanium alloy to construct more than 90 >> percent of the SR-71, creating special tools and manufacturing procedures >> to hand-build each of the 40 planes. Special heat-resistant fuel, oil, >> and >> hydraulic fluids that would function at 85,000 feet and higher also had >> to >> be developed. >> >> >> In 1962, the first Blackbird successfully flew, and in 1966, the >> same year I graduated from high school, the Air Force began flying >> operational SR-71 missions. I came to the program in 1983 with a sterling >> record and a recommendation from my commander, completing the weeklong >> interview and meeting Walter, my partner for the next four years He would >> ride four feet behind me, working all the cameras, radios, and electronic >> jamming equipment. I joked that if we were ever captured, he was the spy >> and I was just the driver. He told me to keep the pointy end forward. >> >> We trained for a year, flying out of Beale AFB in California , >> Kadena Airbase in Okinawa, and RAF Mildenhall in England . On a typical >> training mission, we would take off near Sacramento, refuel over Nevada, >> accelerate into Montana, obtain high Mach over Colorado, turn right over >> New Mexico, speed across the Los Angeles Basin, run up the West Coast, >> turn right at Seattle, then return to Beale. Total flight time: two hours >> and 40 minutes. >> >> One day, high above Arizona , we were monitoring the radio traffic >> of all the mortal airplanes below us. First, a Cessna pilot asked the air >> traffic controllers to check his ground speed. 'Ninety knots,' ATC >> replied. A twin Bonanza soon made the same request. 'One-twenty on the >> ground,' was the reply. To our surprise, a navy F-18 came over the radio >> with a ground speed check. I knew exactly what he was doing. Of course, >> he >> had a ground speed indicator in his cockpit, but he wanted to let all the >> bug-smashers in the valley know what real speed was 'Dusty 52, we show >> you >> at 620 on the ground,' ATC responded. The situation was too ripe. I heard >> the click of Walter's mike button in the rear seat. In his most innocent >> voice, Walter startled the controller by asking for a ground speed check >> from 81,000 feet, clearly above controlled airspace. In a cool, >> professional voice, the controller replied, ' Aspen 20, I show you at >> 1,982 knots on the ground.' We did not hear another transmission on that >> frequency all the way to the coast. >> >> >> The Blackbird always showed us something new, each aircraft >> possessing its own unique personality. In time, we realized we were >> flying >> a national treasure. When we taxied out of our revetments for takeoff, >> people took notice. Traffic congregated near the airfield fences, because >> everyone wanted to see and hear the mighty SR-71 You could not be a part >> of this program and not come to love the airplane. Slowly, she revealed >> her secrets to us as we earned her trust. >> >> One moonless night, while flying a routine training mission over >> the >> Pacific, I wondered what the sky would look like from 84,000 feet if the >> cockpit lighting were dark. While heading home on a straight course, I >> slowly turned down all of the lighting, reducing the glare and revealing >> the night sky. Within seconds, I turned the lights back up, fearful that >> the jet would know and somehow punish me. But my desire to see the sky >> overruled my caution, I dimmed the lighting again. To my amazement, I saw >> a bright light outside my window. As my eyes adjusted to the view, I >> realized that the brilliance was the broad expanse of the Milky Way, now >> a >> gleaming stripe across the sky. Where dark spaces in the sky had usually >> existed, there were now dense clusters of sparkling stars Shooting stars >> flashed across the canvas every few seconds. It was like a fireworks >> display with no sound. I knew I had to get my eyes back on the >> instruments, and reluctantly I brought my attention back inside. To my >> surprise, with the cockpit lighting still off, I could see every gauge, >> lit by starlight. In the plane's mirrors, I could see the eerie shine of >> my gold spacesuit incandescently illuminated in a celestial glow. I stole >> one last glance out the window. Despite our speed, we seemed still before >> the heavens, humbled in the radiance of a much greater power. For those >> few moments, I felt a part of something far more significant than >> anything >> we were doing in the plane. The sharp sound of Walt's voice on the radio >> brought me back to the tasks at hand as I prepared for our descent. >> >> San Diego Aerospace Museum >> The SR-71 was an expensive aircraft to operate. The most >> significant >> cost was tanker support, and in 1990, confronted with budget cutbacks, >> the >> Air Force retired the SR-71.?The Blackbird had outrun nearly 4,000 >> missiles, not once taking a scratch from enemy fire. >> >> On her final flight, the Blackbird, destined for the Smithsonian >> National Air and Space Museum , sped from Los Angeles to Washington in 64 >> minutes, averaging 2,145 mph and setting four speed records. >> >> The SR-71 served six presidents, protecting America for a quarter >> of >> a century. Unbeknownst to most of the country, the plane flew over North >> Vietnam , Red China, North Korea , the Middle East, South Africa , Cuba , >> Nicaragua , Iran , Libya , and the Falkland Islands On a weekly basis, >> the >> SR-71 kept watch over every Soviet nuclear submarine and mobile missile >> site, and all of their troop movements. It was a key factor in winning >> the >> Cold War. >> >> >> I am proud to say I flew about 500 hours in this aircraft. I knew >> her well. She gave way to no plane, proudly dragging her sonic boom >> through enemy backyards with great impunity. She defeated every missile, >> outran every MiG, and always brought us home. In the first 100 years of >> manned flight, no aircraft was more remarkable. >> >> With the Libyan coast fast approaching now, Walt asks me for the >> third time, if I think the jet will get to the speed and altitude we want >> in time. I tell him yes. I know he is concerned. He is dealing with the >> data; that's what engineers do, and I am glad he is. But I have my hands >> on the stick and throttles and can feel the heart of a thoroughbred, >> running now with the power and perfection she was designed to possess. I >> also talk to her. Like the combat veteran she is, the jet senses the >> target area and seems to prepare herself. >> >> For the first time in two days, the inlet door closes flush and all >> vibration is gone. We've become so used to the constant buzzing that the >> jet sounds quiet now in comparison. The Mach correspondingly increases >> slightly and the jet is flying in that confidently smooth and steady >> style >> we have so often seen at these speeds. We reach our target altitude and >> speed, with five miles to spare. Entering the target area, in response to >> the jet's new-found vitality, Walt says, 'That's amazing' and with my >> left >> hand pushing two throttles farther forward, I think to myself that there >> is much they don't teach in engineering school. >> >> Out my left window, Libya looks like one huge sandbox. A >> featureless >> brown terrain stretches all the way to the horizon. There is no sign of >> any activity. Then Walt tells me that he is getting lots of electronic >> signals, and they are not the friendly kind. The jet is performing >> perfectly now, flying better than she has in weeks. She seems to know >> where she is. She likes the high Mach, as we penetrate deeper into Libyan >> airspace. Leaving the footprint of our sonic boom across Benghazi , I sit >> motionless, with stilled hands on throttles and the pitch control, my >> eyes >> glued to the gauges. >> >> Only the Mach indicator is moving, steadily increasing in >> hundredths, in a rhythmic consistency similar to the long distance runner >> who has caught his second wind and picked up the pace. The jet was made >> for this kind of performance and she wasn't about to let an errant inlet >> door make her miss the show. With the power of forty locomotives, we >> puncture the quiet African sky and continue farther south across a bleak >> landscape. >> >> Walt continues to update me with numerous reactions he sees on the >> DEF panel. He is receiving missile tracking signals. With each mile we >> traverse, every two seconds, I become more uncomfortable driving deeper >> into this barren and hostile land. I am glad the DEF panel is not in the >> front seat. It would be a big distraction now, seeing the lights >> flashing. >> In contrast, my cockpit is 'quiet' as the jet purrs and relishes her >> new-found strength, continuing to slowly accelerate. >> >> The spikes are full aft now, tucked twenty-six inches deep into the >> nacelles. With all inlet doors tightly shut, at 3.24 Mach, the J-58s are >> more like ramjets now, gulping 100,000 cubic feet of air per second. We >> are a roaring express now, and as we roll through the enemy's backyard, I >> hope our speed continues to defeat the missile radars below. We are >> approaching a turn, and this is good. It will only make it more difficult >> for any launched missile to solve the solution for hitting our aircraft. >> >> I push the speed up at Walt's request. The jet does not skip a >> beat, >> nothing fluctuates, and the cameras have a rock steady platform. Walt >> received missile launch signals. Before he can say anything else, my left >> hand instinctively moves the throttles yet farther forward. My eyes are >> glued to temperature gauges now, as I know the jet will willingly go to >> speeds that can harm her. The temps are relatively cool and from all the >> warm temps we've encountered thus far, this surprises me but then, it >> really doesn't surprise me. Mach 3.31 and Walt is quiet for the moment. >> >> I move my gloved finder across the small silver wheel on the >> autopilot panel which controls the aircraft's pitch. With the deft feel >> known to Swiss watchmakers, surgeons, and 'dinosaurs' (old- time pilots >> who not only fly an airplane but 'feel it'), I rotate the pitch wheel >> somewhere between one-sixteenth and one-eighth inch location, a position >> which yields the 500-foot-per-minute climb I desire. The jet raises her >> nose one-sixth of a degree and knows, I'll push her higher as she goes >> faster. The Mach continues to rise, but during this segment of our route, >> I am in no mood to pull throttles back. >> >> Walt's voice pierces the quiet of my cockpit with the news of more >> missile launch signals. The gravity of Walter's voice tells me that he >> believes the signals to be a more valid threat than the others. Within >> seconds he tells me to 'push it up' and I firmly press both throttles >> against their stops. For the next few seconds, I will let the jet go as >> fast as she wants. A final turn is coming up and we both know that if we >> can hit that turn at this speed, we most likely will defeat any missiles. >> We are not there yet, though, and I'm wondering if Walt will call for a >> defensive turn off our course. >> >> With no words spoken, I sense Walter is thinking in concert with me >> about maintaining our programmed course. To keep from worrying, I glance >> outside, wondering if I'll be able to visually pick up a missile aimed at >> us. Odd are the thoughts that wander through one's mind in times like >> these. I found myself recalling the words of former SR-71 pilots who were >> fired upon while flying missions over North Vietnam They said the few >> errant missile detonations they were able to observe from the cockpit >> looked like implosions rather than explosions. This was due to the great >> speed at which the jet was hurling away from the exploding missile. >> >> I see nothing outside except the endless expanse of a steel blue >> sky >> and the broad patch of tan earth far below. I have only had my eyes out >> of >> the cockpit for seconds, but it seems like many minutes since I have last >> checked the gauges inside. Returning my attention inward, I glance first >> at the miles counter telling me how many more to go, until we can start >> our turn Then I note the Mach, and passing beyond 3.45, I realize that >> Walter and I have attained new personal records. The Mach continues to >> increase. The ride is incredibly smooth. >> >> There seems to be a confirmed trust now, between me and the jet; >> she >> will not hesitate to deliver whatever speed we need, and I can count on >> no >> problems with the inlets. Walt and I are ultimately depending on the jet >> now - more so than normal - and she seems to know it. The cooler outside >> temperatures have awakened the spirit born into her years ago, when men >> dedicated to excellence took the time and care to build her well. With >> spikes and doors as tight as they can get, we are racing against the time >> it could take a missile to reach our altitude. >> >> It is a race this jet will not let us lose. The Mach eases to 3.5 >> as >> we crest 80,000 feet. We are a bullet now - except faster. We hit the >> turn, and I feel some relief as our nose swings away from a country we >> have seen quite enough of. Screaming past Tripoli , our phenomenal speed >> continues to rise, and the screaming Sled pummels the enemy one more >> time, >> laying down a parting sonic boom. In seconds, we can see nothing but the >> expansive blue of the Mediterranean . I realize that I still have my left >> hand full-forward and we're continuing to rocket along in maximum >> afterburner. >> >> The TDI now shows us Mach numbers, not only new to our experience >> but flat out scary. Walt says the DEF panel is now quiet, and I know it >> is >> time to reduce our incredible speed. I pull the throttles to the min >> 'burner range and the jet still doesn't want to slow down. Normally the >> Mach would be affected immediately, when making such a large throttle >> movement But for just a few moments old 960 just sat out there at the >> high >> Mach, she seemed to love and like the proud Sled she was, only began to >> slow when we were well out of danger. I loved that jet. >>

Top this for a speed trap

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the tree tops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMCF/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location. Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC-style: Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down. Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location. Fortunately, the Marine pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy your hostile radar position. The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster. Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi.

Who was Kilroy ?

KILROY WAS HERE! In 1946 the American Transit Association, through its radio program, "Speak to America," sponsored a nationwide contest to find the REAL Kilroy, offering a prize of a real trolley car to the person who could prove himself to be the genuine article. Almost 40 men stepped forward to make that claim, but only James Kilroy from Halifax, Massachusetts had evidence of his identity. Kilroy was a 46-year old shipyard worker during the war. He worked as a checker at the Fore River Shipyard in Quincy. His job was to go around and check on the number of rivets completed. Riveters were on piecework and got paid by the rivet. Kilroy would count a block of rivets and put a check mark in semi-waxed lumber chalk, so the rivets wouldn't be counted twice. When Kilroy went off duty, the riveters would erase the mark. Later on, an off-shift inspector would come through and count the rivets a second time, resulting in double pay for the riveters. One day Kilroy's boss called him into his office. The foreman was upset about all the wages being paid to riveters, and asked him to investigate. It was then that he realized what had been going on. The tight spaces he had to crawl in to check the rivets didn't lend themselves to lugging around a paint can and brush, so Kilroy decided to stick with the waxy chalk. He continued to put his checkmark on each job he inspected, but added KILROY WAS HERE in king-sized letters next to the check, and eventually added the sketch of the chap with the long nose peering over the fence and that became part of the Kilroy message. Once he did that, the riveters stopped trying to wipe away his marks. Ordinarily the rivets and chalk marks would have been covered up with paint. With war on, however, ships were leaving the Quincy Yard so fast that there wasn't time to paint them. As a result, Kilroy's inspection "trademark" was seen by thousands of servicemen who boarded the troopships the yard produced. His message apparently rang a bell with the servicemen, because they picked it up and spread it all over Europe and the South Pacific. Before the war's end, "Kilroy" had been here, there, and everywhere on the long haul to Berlin and Tokyo. To the unfortunate troops outbound in those ships, however, he was a complete mystery; all they knew for sure was that some jerk named Kilroy had "been there first." As a joke, U.S. servicemen began placing the graffiti wherever they landed, claiming it was already there when they arrived. Kilroy became the U.S. super-GI who had always "already been" wherever GIs went. It became a challenge to place the logo in the most unlikely places imaginable (it is said to be atop Mt. Everest, the Statue of Liberty, the underside of the Arch De Triumphe, and even scrawled in the dust on the moon.) And as the war went on, the legend grew Underwater demolition teams routinely sneaked ashore on Japanese-held islands in the Pacific to map the terrain for the coming invasions by U.S. troops (and thus, presumably, were the first GI's there). On one occasion, however, they reported seeing enemy troops painting over the Kilroy logo! In 1945, an outhouse was built for the exclusive use of Roosvelt, Stalin, and Churchill at the Potsdam conference. The first person inside was Stalin, who emerged and asked his aide (in Russian), "Who is Kilroy?" ... To help prove his authenticity in 1946, James Kilroy brought along officials from the shipyard and some of the riveters. He won the trolley car, which he gave to his nine children as a Christmas gift and set it up as a playhouse in the Kilroy front yard in Halifax, Massachusetts

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recomme nd that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

US to try to shoot down spy satellite

Military and administration officials said the satellite is carrying fuel called hydrazine that could injure or even kill people who are near it when it hits the ground. That reason alone, they said, persuaded President Bush to order the shoot-down. "That is the only thing that breaks it out, that is worthy of taking extraordinary measures," said Gen. James Cartwright, vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, during a Pentagon briefing. He predicted a fairly high chance - as much as 80 percent - of hitting the satellite, which will be about 150 miles up when the shot is fired. The window of opportunity for taking the satellite down, Cartwright said, opens in three or four days and lasts for about seven or eight days. "We'll take one shot and assess," he said. "This is the first time we've used a tactical missile to engage a spacecraft." Deputy National Security Adviser James Jeffrey discounted comparisons to an anti-satellite test conducted by the Chinese last year that triggered criticism from the U.S. and other countries. "This is all about trying to reduce the danger to human beings," Jeffrey said. "Specifically, there was enough of a risk for the president to be quite concerned about human life." There might also be unstated military aims, some outside the administration suggested. Similar spacecraft re-enter the atmosphere regularly and break up into pieces, said Ivan Oelrich, vice president for strategic security programs at the Federation of American Scientists. He said, "One could be forgiven for asking if this is just an excuse to test an anti-satellite weapon." A key issue when China shot down its defunct weather satellite was that it created an enormous amount of space debris. "All of the debris from this encounter, as carefully designed as it is, will be down at most within weeks, and most of it will be down within the first couple of orbits afterward," said Jeffrey. "There's an enormous difference to spacefaring nations in ... those two things." He and others dismissed suggestions that this was simply an attempt by the U.S. to flex its muscles, and that officials were overstating the toxic fuel threat. Left alone, the satellite would be expected to hit Earth during the first week of March. About half of the 5,000-pound spacecraft would be expected to survive its blazing descent through the atmosphere and would scatter debris over several hundred miles. If the missile shot is successful, officials said, much of the debris would burn up as it fell. They said they could not estimate how much would make it through the atmosphere. They said the largest piece that would survive re-entry would be the spherical fuel tank, which is about 40 inches wide - assuming it is not hit directly by the missile. The goal, however, is to hit the fuel tank in order to minimize the amount of fuel that returns to Earth, Cartwright said. A Navy missile known as Standard Missile 3 would be fired at the spy satellite in an attempt to intercept it just before it re-enters Earth's atmosphere. It would be "next to impossible" to hit the satellite after that because of atmospheric disturbances, he said. Known by its military designation US 193, the satellite was launched in December 2006. It lost power and its central computer failed almost immediately afterward, leaving it uncontrollable. It carried a sophisticated and secret imaging sensor. Software associated with the Standard Missile 3 has been modified to enhance the chances of the missile's sensors recognizing that the satellite is its target. The missile's designed mission is to shoot down ballistic missiles, not satellites. Other officials said the missile's maximum range, while a classified figure, is not great enough to hit a satellite operating in normal orbits. "It's a one-time deal," Cartwright said when asked whether the modified Standard Missile 3 should be considered a new U.S. anti-satellite technology. He said that if an initial shoot-down attempt fails, the military would have about two days to reassess and decide whether to take a second shot. NASA Administrator Michael Griffin told reporters that analysis shows the hydrazine tank would survive a fall to Earth under normal circumstances, much as one did when the Space Shuttle Columbia crashed. "The hydrazine which is in it is frozen solid, as it is now. Not all of it will melt," he said. If the tank hits the ground it will have been breached because the fuel lines will have broken off and hydrazine will vent out, he said. Jeffrey said members of Congress were briefed on the plan earlier Thursday and that diplomatic notifications to other countries were being made by the end of the day. "It should be understood by all, at home and abroad, that this is an exceptional circumstance and should not be perceived as the standard U.S. policy for dealing with errant satellites," said House Armed Services Chairman Ike Skelton.